Posts Tagged ‘Dork


Dorko Mom and the Clarinet….

For you people who play the clarinet, I am sorry.  Today while I was at work, I was talking with one of my least favorite clients.  Imagine that forty something mother who is overly proud and sticks her foot in her mouth without realizing it every time she opens it up.  She is this lady who will not shut the hell up about her son.  For the past month she has been telling me, four weeks till my son turns 18, three weeks till my son turns 18, two weeks until my son turns 18, one week until my son turns 18, you get the point.  Well today is his 18th birthday.  Whopdee frickin doo.

Don’t get me wrong I love hearing about peoples children and their lives at home but man this lady is just on over kill.  I feel bad for her son because she has raised a complete dork.  I have not even met this kid and I know he is a dork.  She talks for an hour and a half non stopped about three things, her sons, birthday which I have covered, how he is in the school Orchestra, and what colleges he has gotten into and rejected from. (Davis, Cal, and Brown he got into.  Rejected from UCLA, Stanford, USC, Dartmouth, and Cornell.)

Seriously this lady is like ohhh I was up so late at my sons recital last night.  Hmmmm the last time I looked, five year old girls played recitals.  Seniors in high school went out and partied.  Don’t get me wrong, and I have said this before, I give mad mad props to anyone who plays a musical instrument.  The only instrument I can play is the easy levels of Rock Band drums.  Holler at video games.

So back to Dorko Mom.  Me being the smart ass I am, was so fed up and annoyed with Dorko mom talking about how her son is 18 and walked straight to the Post Office to register for voting decided to lay the real world on her.  I said “So your son is 18 now, you must be so proud.  Get ready cause now he can buy, cigarettes, loto tickets, and porn. (well i held the porn part out because I have some class, but it did cross my mind).  She awkwardly avoided the cigarette comment and said “You can buy lotto tickets at 18?”  Me “Yup, and he can get tried as an adult, did he go and register for the draft yet?”  And blank stare from Dorko Mom.

Those comments shut her up for a grand total of fifteen seconds.  After the fifteen seconds passed the next hour she was bragging about her son and how he killed his SAT’s and thinks he is going to chose Cal for college.  She then said “my son wants to bring his nice Clarinet to college with him but I am afraid it is going to get stolen.”  I let out a laugh and she gave me a look as though I was peering into the fifth ring of the Inferno.   Satan eyes was like what the hell is so funny, in a far more polite way?  I said well all the closets have locks so he could keep it in there when he is not practicing in the middle of the quad.  It gave her some relief.

Then I told her that the instrument was probably the last thing some one would steal.  Honestly who steals a Clarinet?  Her son needed to worry about his I.Pod, computer, books, graphing calculator, and clothes from getting stolen.  She understood everything but the clothes.  I then informed her that people go around every week to the washers and dryers and have free roam of whatever they want due to the fact that your average college student does not watch his clothes as though he were guarding Windsor Castle.  Looking back on it, she will probably make this poor fool sit in front of the washer and dryer all two hours washing his stuff so it does not get stolen. At least he can practice his kazoo, I mean Clarinet…

I then got to thinking, this mother could be in for a rude awakening when little Jimmy comes home from college with his nose pierced, a tattoo of his frat on his shoulder, and a pawned off super expensive clarinet so he could get some extra pizza and beer money.  I would love to see that…..Holler

BTW, I have never met this kid but from what Dorko Mom has talked about I could pick him out in a line up.  Imagine an 18 year old guy who throws like a very uncoordinated girl, goes to school wearing penny loafers, slacks, and a plaid collared shirt.  He sports those glasses that have the Crookes on them.  He walks around campus with his flute all day and eats cheese for lunch.

BTW part 2:  The only two cool things I can think that have come from the clarinet is that Ferris Bueler tried to play on his day off and every time USC scores a touchdown.


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