Archive for the 'Roast of the week' Category

23
Jul
09

Naa naa naa naa Hey Hey Goodbye…LeBron and JayZ

So I was checking out lostangelesblog.com and he had this new JayZ video posted.  It has been awhile since we have heard a track like this with a video laid down over it.  Pretty dope.  What is there not to like?  Whiskey, Cigars, and Jazz as Zack of Lost Angeles stated.  Ohh yeah one thing he forgot to leave out.  LeBron James is in the video playing one on one with JayZ.  If this is not a tell tell sign that LeBron will be a New Jersey or Brooklyn Net after next season, then I do not know what is.

Now before all you Cleveland banshees get up on my case and say this is completely bogus, hear me out.  I think it is a great coincidence that Jay Z’s main lyric in the song is the one you sing at the end of a game when a team is losing.  In this case, Cleveland, well you will be loosing LeBron as he goes to a big market that has a city worth some entertainment.

After this next year I would not be surprised to see LeBron and Shaq gone.  I still cant believe how much money they paid that guy with the perm on your team.  He is garbage.  Why do you think Ariza did not sign with you guys?  Probably because he knows LeBron can’t commit to a city like Cleveland and he does not want to be stuck in that town with perm boy during his prime.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I was sick the whole season hearing how this is going to be Clevelands championship.  I knew it all along that one player could not win it all.  Cleveland, it is going to be a long time coming before you get a ring.  On that note, enjoy the sun while it is still up there.  I will be chilling in the city where girls can wear mini skirts and tank tops year round.

Enjoy LeBron while you have him because he will be gone.

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16
Jul
09

French tennis and their kissing

Richard Gasquet, just got some great news that he will no longer be suspended from the tour for two years.  The amount of coke found in this French players system was very minimal.  Yet he still tested positive for coke.  Upon further talks with the governing body of the ITF his suspension was revoked and he is cleared to play.

When asked the reason for the positive drug test, Gasquet said it must have been from kissing a female named Pamela at a night club in Miami.  There was a French DJ spinning the club that night which was notoriously known for the usages of coke among other drugs.

My question to the federation is how stupid are you?  The last time I checked you snort cocaine.  Was Gasquet making out with this chicks nose?  Did she have a booger and he offered to help her remove it with his tongue?  I know the nasal path way does connect with our throat.  Maybe Richard was taking french kissing to a whole new level by trying to lick Pamela’s stomach by sticking his tongue down her throat.

Needless to say we will never know the truth, but doesn’t this excuse sound like that classic situation you faced in high school?  You come home past curfew a couple of drinks deep.  You have to give your parents a kiss good night, which is their way of smelling your breath.  You go in for quick peck and your mom stops you.  What is on your breath junior?  Ughhhh I was making out with a girl who was drinking quite a bit.  Then you father sits up and says, “that’s my boy”.  You go off to your room, enjoy your buzz, and get off clean.  Way to go Gasquet.  Original lie.

So French

So French

09
Jul
09

LeDunked On

What is up hoops nation?  If you are not aware of this by now, we all know that LeBron is good.  King James truly is the King of the NBA.  Yet, like a King he has become spoiled, unsportsmanlike, and can not take a negative story in the press.  Just the other day at one of LeBrons high intensity basketball camps, the King got dethroned on the rim.  Sophomore guard Jordan Crawford from Xavier threw down a filthy two handed slam on the king.  People who were WITTINESS said this dunk was just filthy giving LeBron a role in a poster he is not used to.

After this nasty dunk occured, LeBron called his people over from Nike who were also at the pickup game.  Some things were said then Nike went into the stands where there were several camera men.  Nike confiscated the tapes giving the camera men a lame excuse.  According to Nike there is to be no film in the gym after hours.  Apparently this rule did not go into effect until the King got beheaded.

This story along with the Eastern Conference Finals hand shaking incident has left me with bitter feelings towards LeBron.  The dude is going to go down as one of the best ever, yet when something happens that he does not like, he acts like a little bitch.  I don’t care how pissed you are for losing a series, have some class and shake the other dudes hands.

If you get dunked on, pump the kid up give him props.  Everyone gets dunked on.  If Shaq got dunked on he would go down on the other end and pull the hoop down next possession.  If you did not want to get dunked on you probably should have fouled him instead of going for a block.  LeBron, stop acting like a spoiled baby.  What is next?  If you get dunked on during a game are you going to go to ESPN and have Nike confiscate those tapes.  Are you going to call in The Men in Black and have them use the Nerolizer to erase every ones memories?  Grow up man, no one will think any less of you if you get dunked on.

I think it would be dope for Nike to take these tapes and spin a commercial off of them. It is OK to be embarrassed every once in awhile.  Stop trying to pretend you live in England and have your tyrannical ways LeBron.  Are you going to behead Trevor Ariza for going to Houston now?  LeBron, stop acting like a bitch….

24
Jun
09

Cavs take the senior citizen discount

Good job Cleveland, you have just landed an old big guy.  Yes you had a void in the middle during the Eastern Conference finals but do you really expect Shaq to solve that problem?  What is going to happen when Boston gets healthy?  What is going to happen when Orlando lands one more legit player and Howard learns how to shoot the ball?  Do you really expect the Diesel to solve this problem?

Yes Shaq got Kobe and Dwade their first rings but that was while he was in his prime.  This is like a bigger version of the J Kidd trade.  I love the guy but Shaq is old.  He is not going to solve the problem for Bronbrezzy.  Watch LeBron leave after this next year and Shaq will retire.  After all he has played every season in a warm climate.  He will hate living in Cleveland, most like the rest of this country.
Stop fronting by going the easy way out and actually work and get a legit player who is not entering the senior citizen line.  Cleveland you fail and will lose LeBron after next season.  Back to the times where no one cares about your city when it comes to sports.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you have it coming if you think this big guy will solve your problems.  Spend some money and make LeBron happy..

Peace and enjoy that Eastern confrence finals banner-

23
Jun
09

The Adventure of Kaliphornya in Wonder Land err Angel Stadium

This past weekend for fathers day I took a ball game in with my Dad and the rest of my family.  It was the first time I had ever been to Angels stadium and they were playing my favorite team the Dodgers.  Having the best record in baseball and our ace on the mound things were looking good to start the night.

As we found our seats, I felt like I was in Disney Land.  Now I know that Disney does own the Angels, but come on the stadium has a movie set feel to it, something fake.  The first thing that really jumps out at you in the stadium is how lame center field is.  They have this waterfall like fountain gushing from a big fake rock shaped in an A.

I thought splash mountain was at Disney Land

I thought splash mountain was at Disney Land

Directly to the right of the fountain is nothing.  I am guessing they were going to use this space to promote splash mountain but ran out of funds.  Could you imagine all the seats and coin the Angels franchise could make if they tore out their uber lame fountain and the great abyss?

Moving onward.  From the moment we arrived at the stadium vendors were still selling those damn rally monkeys.  I know the rally monkeys were cool when the Angels beat the Giants in the World Series but seriously that was like what, seven years ago?  Boy was I in for a surprise.

Thats super cool.....No realy it is....

Thats super cool.....No realy it is....

Once game time rolled around the stadium started to fill up like any other sporting event in southern California.  Everyone was casually late.  My seats were up in the nosebleeds behind the home team dugout along the third base line.  Because the Dodgers were playing the Angels, there was a very mixed crowd of fans.  Going into the ball game, my pops and I had several beverages because we could not bring ourselves to pay eight dollars for a keg cup of beer.  Everyone else around us, well they did not have the same thought process as us.

Towards the end of the first inning, two rows in front of where me and my father were sitting, four women showed up.  These women were large, rude, and plain obnoxious.  Now I am not one to knock on peoples weight, but in the good nature of painting a picture for you the reader, I would have to say they all could easily have gone on the biggest loser scale and topped a thousand pounds, let alone be contestants for next season.  I will come back to these women later.

My seat was on the aisle, which you would think was great, but man did this suck.  I have never had to stand up and sit down at a ball game more in my life to let people out and in.  I was averaging four to eight squats every half inning.  What is the deal?  Can these people not hold their bladder?  It was armature hour in the ball park.

By the time the fifth or sixth inning rolled around the Angels blasted on the jumbo tron the same monkey that was in outbreak, and all of a sudden you hear the crowd go crazy.  It was dressed in an Angels uniform jumping up and down on a table, with the words rally monkey under it.  Honestly this looked like the most low budget video clip I have ever seen, yet all the Angels fans were loving it.  After every base hit they would flash this damn thing up on the screen.  I was curious if everyone was going to stand up and start flapping their arms as wings like in Angels in the Outfield.

Honestly if you could have seen they way these people reacted to the monkey you could not help but laugh at them.  I think there is a reason the broadcasters on television do not show this.  It is a little outdated.  While all of this was going on I was thinking why is this damn outbreak monkey still around?  Have they not got something new yet?  This would be similar to going to Dodger stadium ten years from now and looking out in left field and seeing Manny wigs everywhere, or in 2010 if Cavs fans are still throw up powder before tip off even though LeBron peaced out of there as fast as he could.  It is outdated.

It was a tight ball game going into the seventh inning stretch.  My attention was focused on the jumbo tron where Alfred Hitchcock’s infamous shower scene from Psycho was being played.  Being the video geek that I am, I was informing my father that for this 48 second scene he used 78 cuts which was truly Hitchcock at his best.  Once we got to the point where they were going to show the dude with the knife there it was, the fuckin rally monkey screamin.   This crowd erupted as though their team just won the NBA finals, wait they did, but you get the picture.   Down with the Sickness was blasting as the fans were going bonkers.  I could not believe what I was seeing.  I thought I was in a wonder land or something.  A tiny ass outbreak monkey was the sole reason for pumping up this stadium.

Anyhow, that damn critter must have worked because the Dodgers went down by a run and eventually lost the game.  By the time the seventh inning was over, booze was talking left and right.  Time to get back to the grande chicks.  These chicks in front of us were Angels fans and they were wasted.  Every inning all four of them would get up and each would come back with two beers no joke.  That means each of these chicks has fourteen beers at ten bucks a piece (They had the big cups that light up).  That is an extra $140.00 they spent on beer plus the $40.00 dollars for tickets.  One of these biggins got into it with a dodger fan.  She was all up in this guys face with her middle finger less than an inch from this dudes nose.  I don’t know what he was saying but man I bet it was an easy target.  While she was acting all hood rat some fan from behind us threw a whole cup of beer at the row of dodger fans.  Instantly the Dodger fan turned around and threw his beer bottle at the group of Angel fans he had been talking trash with the whole game.

People started yelling and it was starting to look like the Palace of Auburn Hills with beer flying.  All we needed was Artest and Stephen Jackson in the crowd.  There really is nothing like watching a bunch of fat drunk baseball fans going at it and protecting their team as though it is their family.  They were more worried about who was louder and who had the last word than the damn game.  Luckily enough people jumped in and broke the opposing parties up before there were any ejections.  As the “big female crew” left all the way down they were yelling Dodger fans are pussies.  The whole way out they did this.  I felt like going up to them and saying hey, “you realize with that $140.00 of beer you just drank, you could have been sitting in the “diamond club” which are the seats directly behind home plate.”  I guess everyone has their priorities.

All in all this experience like Orange County and their boobs seemed fake.  Nothing wrong with that but like the teams name Los Angeles Angels, its time to get your own identity.  Get away from the Disney theme like the Ducks did, ask the city of Anaheim if they will allow you to return as the Anaheim angels opposed to the Los Angeles South team.  And for God sake, get a new them for your team other than the outbreak monkey.  If you could really just step back and look at how lame that guy is you would be embarrassed.  Ohh yeah and Kobe was cheering for the Dodgers.

31
May
09

Facebook is so slow

Ok, so I am sure that 90 percent of you facebook users out there have probably taken that what are you quiz.  This along with all these million other applications are the sole reason facebook is running at a snails pace these days.  Imagine how many time you go on facebook normally.  Now imagine how much you have been on it the past couple of days.  Probably seventy percent less due to the fact that the server is moving slower than dialup internet.

What facebook and its people need to do, in order to make us happy and get their hits up, for sure they are loosing millions daily, is get rid of those stupid applications.  Applications are for myspace and the i phone.  Why fix something that aint broke.  Ohh yeah and beacuse of the slow facebook my blog is getting less hits.  Pretty lame.  Clean it up facebook other wise we are bouncing.

18
May
09

More East Coast love for sports

Ridiculous, I just finished reading that FOX and the MLB plan to hold and start World Series games 45 min earlier.  The sole reason for this is so the East Coast does not have to watch these games until one and two in the morning.
My question to FOX and the MLB is, does everyone live on the East Coast?  Do you realize that moving a 5:10 game ahead 45 minutes earlier will mean that anyone living on the West Coast misses the first three innings due to the fact that we have work.  It is already a struggle to make it home by the end of the first inning with a 5:10 game.  Now you are making it

The last time I checked the average work day ended at five.  The average bed time?  Well I think that is a little more flexible.  This is a huge fail for the MLB, FOX, and the East Coast.  Sack up and go to bed that fourty-five minutes later.  I did not realize that the whole east coast was a huge elderly home?  Whats next, are you going to complain that the pre game show cuts into Bingo and dinner time?

The MLB is trying to increase their ratings by making these games earlier.  According to ESPN “Philadelphia’s five-game victory averaged an 8.4 rating, down 17 percent from the previous low, a 10.1 for the five-game St. Louis-Detroit series in 2006.

Are the people with the MLB serious?  Come on.  The reason the ratings were down 17 percent from the previous low was not because of the start and end time of the game.  It was the teams.  Who gives a shit about the Rays or Phillies other than Tampa Bay and Philidelphia.  I love watching Rain Delays, dont you?  You had no major market teams in the series, and what made it even worse was it was the most losing team in baseball history, and a team that celebrated its 20th birthday last year.  Woo Hoo drinking age this year…

I guarantee if the Dodgers and the Red Sox or Yanks made it to the series you could start a game at 7:00 PST and it would set a record for ratings.

MLB, FOX, East Coast……FAIL




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