Archive for January, 2009

29
Jan
09

IOU

Great news for the state of Kaliphornya.  If you expect to get a tax refund, this year you may be in for a surprise.  As many of you already know, the Govenator has to Terminate an 11.2 billion dollar deficate.  So if you have or will over pay the government in taxes you will recieve a “registered warrant”  aka an IOU. 

If I am going to recieve an IOU, I have several questions.  Don’t you think it would be fair to collect interest on this IOU?  Could I possibly write an IOU to the Govenator for my taxes and then once I get the money I can pay it off?  Why the hell can’t any one in congress or any elected official maintain a budget?  It is very simple, if you dont have the money then dont spend it.  Find a way to make it work like thousands of Americans across this country.

I have come up with several solutions for Arnie about how to solve this 11.2 Billion dollar bill. 

Arnold could put out a challenge to any other states official in a weight lifting contest. 

My Govenor is stronger than yours

My Govenor is stronger than yours

 There will be the squat challenge, the bench challenge, and the cling challenge.  We will go by total weight lifted.  For every pound he outlifts the other states challenging politicians he gets a half a million bucks. 

Boys have peniss and girls have vaginas

Boys have penis's and girls have vaginas

 

 

Arnold could help all kindergarten teachers become cops and cops become kindergarten teachers.  What this would do is double the teaching force and police force.  This will make our streets safer and kids smarter, thus eliminating the need to spend the money on law enforcement and education. 

Arnie could get pregnate, sell the birth video and photos to Perez Hilton for 11.2 Billion Dollars. 

 

 

 

He could find that magical ticket that was in Last Action hero, go into the movie National Treasure Book of Secrets and bring back all of the Free Masons treasure, claim it for the state of California, open up a museum and collect 11.2 BIllion dollars along the way. 

Or finally my favorite Arnold roll, one that is forgotten to this day is he could turn into Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin.  He could freeze both Batman and Robin, go into Wayne Manor, hack into Bruces banking acount and Wayne enterprises, steal the buisness plan and money.  Come back to Kaliphornya, start up Arnie Enterprise and deposite Bruce Waynes inheritance, and the state of Kaliphornya will not have to recieve any IOU’s.

Look how cool he is.  Get it? cool-mr. freeze

Look how "cool" he is. Get it? cool-mr. freeze

I’ll be back-

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28
Jan
09

My screenplay about Manny and the Dodgers

I was scrolling through the headlines of the LATIMES.COM sports page when I came across a Manny update. Plain and simple it was nothing. It had quotes from Colletti and had quotes from Scot Boras, which sounded very familiar to a freshman in high school that has a crush on a girl and is to chicken to ask her out. Hence Colletti being the dude, Manny being the girl, and Boars being the girls best friend. Ohh yeah and the Giants as the other guy.

CHARACTER LIST
Ned: As himself
Joe: Ned’s Best friend
Barry: The SF Giants aka the other guy
Mannarita: Manny
Scottaney: Mannaritas best friend

Ext. School-Day

A typical lunchtime scene at a highschool.  Joe and Ned are sitting down eating lunch talking about Ned’s crush Mannarita.

Joe

                                                        So Ned when are you going to ask Mannarita out?

Ned:

When she gives me a sign. I have let her know I like her but I guess what I can offer is not good enough. Her friend Scottaney says she does like me but wants more. I’m not going to marry her right away I need to know she is in this with our best interest at heard.

Joe:

So you really like her? Why don’t you tell her what she wants to hear and see how it goes?
Ned:

I will but I need a sign from her first knowing she is willing to work as a team and meet me halfway.

Int. Mannaritas bedroom: Night

Mannarita and Scottaney are sitting on the bed gossiping about the boys at school.

Scottaney:

I can’t believe Ned hasn’t asked you out yet!
Mannarita:

I know, if he thinks that what he did last time was the correct way to ask a girl out he’s way wrong. I need something more. I want him to let me know that he really wants me. He knows what I want.
Scottaney:

I saw you talking with Barry today, whats that all about?
Mannarita:

Ohh that’s nothing, I am just trying to make Ted jealous. Barry is going nowhere with his life.
Scottaney:

Yeah we need to play hard to get for you, or else you will just be another under loved super girlfriend.
Mannarita:

Will you talk to Ned for me and try and move this thing along faster?
Scottaney: Sure

Ext. School -Day

Ned is reading a book on baseball sitting under a tree in front of his school, while waiting for his mom to come and pick him up.  Scottaney is on her way home.

Ned: Hi Scottaney
Scottaney:

Hi Ned
Ned:

So anything new?
Scottaney:

Nope, how about you?
Ned:

Nope. Where is Mannarita?
Scottaney:

Talking with Barry.
Ned:

Doesn’t that guy live in the basemen?
Scottaney:

Yeah. Ok well nice talking I will tell Mannarita you say hi.
Ned:

Thanks see you tomorrow

Int. Ned’s bedroom-Night

Ned and Joe are excited for the weekend and are taking about Ned’s secrete crush.  They are sitting in front of Joe’s TV playing Nintendos Ken Griffey Juniors Home Run.

Ned:

So I talked to Scottaney today.
Joe:

And?
Ned:

She said Mannarita says hello.
Joe:

That’s cool; did you let Scottaney know you were interested?
Ned:

Ohh she knows. Mannarita was talking with Barry.
Joe:

Doesn’t he live in the basement?
Ned:

I know that’s what I said. If she could only give me one more sign then I would for sure ask her out.
Joe:

You’re A-Fraud just like my old friend Alex.

-TO BE CONTINUED-

SOME QUOTES I FOUND IN THE LA TIMES THAT INSPIRED THIS SCREEN PLAY

“The Dodgers do not believe the San Francisco Giants are serious about Ramirez. The Giants are happy to let the Dodgers think that way. “

Colletti Said “I’m hoping hell give us a counter”
Boras “We have let the Dodgers know what Manny’s position is. They are fully aware of the terms he feels are fair.”
Colletti “The Dodgers will no consider sweetening their offer without a signal from Boras that he would yield as well” “It’s tough to do without knowing where it’s going to get you. If you get a sign you can do something, you might be inclined to do it.”

LA Times “Boras wouldn’t say whether he has any teams interested beyond the Dodges and Giants. He would say whether Ramirez might accept a contract of fewer than four years. He wouldn’t say whether Ramirez might sit out part of Spring Training or even part of the season

28
Jan
09

$500.00 Tax Cut Breakdown

With the new 145 Billion dollar middle class tax cut put into plan for this upcoming tax season we as Americans are looking to save big. Each person who qualifies for middle class will recieve five hundred dollars off of their taxes. The reason for the tax cut is the need to stimulate the economy and get people spending again.
At first glance this looks like it could truly work, until you break down the numbers. With my five hundred dollar tax cut I could take the money I saved in taxes and pay half of my half of the rent, or I could donate it to the Dodgers resign Manny fund, but instead I think I will be using it to pay off my Student Loans aka debt which I am guessing the majority of the people in this country have and will do.
Lets break this yearly tax cut down. Five Hundred dollars spread out over twelve months give you 41.667 dollars so in good faith lets round that up to forty two dollars. Thats forty two dollars a month. Take forty two dollars and divide this by four weeks. You get ten dollars and fifty cents a week. Even further lets divide that by seven days and we come up with one dollar and fifty cents.
So we get to spend one dollar and fifty cents more a day. That means I could get like two tacos from Jack In the Box and a gumball, or I could go and buy something at the 99 cent store, and if I saved my money up for a week then I could take my lovely girlfriend out to IN N OUT where we could each get our own drink and fries but have to split a double double. If I wanted to save my money up for the month I could go and get a half a weeks worth of groceries.
Dont get me wrong any break in taxes helps but I do not think that this will be the solution. On the other hand check out the alternate energy policies. Im all for that and I think they are up to something. (check this out its a good source of info and some of this stuff will work)http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/26/news/economy/stimulus_101/index.htm)

27
Jan
09

Oakland my second favorite sports town

If you think of Oakland sports the first thing that comes to mind is minor league. This is not meant as an insult to the fans of the Warriros, Raiders, and A’s. Two of the three teams I have just named off are wonderful franchises with some of the best fans in the game consisting of the Raiders and A’s. I still have images of Latrell Sprewell choking out coach PJ.

Check out his highlights on You Tube....The dude had game

Check out his highlights on You Tube....The dude had game

The reason for the minor league comment is due to the fact that in recent years being the last eight or so they have had some great teams and players but can never repeat in back to back seasons cause they trade everyone away. Lets look at the Warriors first.
The Golden State Warriors is probably the least popular of the three franchises in the Oak Town. Yet with their historic upset of number one seed Dallas Mavericks several years ago in the first round playoffs, they got the city behind their back and started believeing. Snoop even made an apperances reppin the city of Oaks. He still has his Lakermobile thou.
I can still see it in my head today after taking out Dallas in the first round and going to a game seven against Utah. The highlight of that series was not the fact that Utah won in seven games but one of the most filthy dunks I have witnessed.
Self proclaimed B-Diddy took the ball baseline and eleveated against one of the top shot blockers in the NBA. A-K 47 (who might have the coolest nick name in the NBA. He is number 47 and his initials are AK Andre Kerlinko for all you non NBAers). Barron jumped as though he were wearing the same PF Fliers that Benny the Jet Rodriguez wore when getting chased by the Beast. He just kept elevating and cocked that ball so far back  AK was doomed to be on this poster. Finally once he reached the apex of his jump he threw it down and absoultly posterized Kerlinko almost as bad as Carter posterized the ever so famous French men Fred Weis. Everyone at Oracle arena went bonkers. After a tough game seven loss spurred by an emotional come back from Utahs Derek Fisher and the emergence of Deron Williams, those we believe shirts slowly drifted out of sight.
Looking at the Warriors line up the following year, it was completely different. They traded away Jason Richardson as well as some other key names and broke the chemistry of the team up. The following year they sent Baron Davis to the LA’s JV team and relied on the star power on Monte Ellis who has missed the first half of this season with a fateful basketball, I mean moped accident.
The Warriors have traded away J-Rich, B-Diddy, D-Fish, Mike Dunleavey, Troy Murphy, and other select names.
The Oakland A’s, what a great time to be in Oakland when they had Eckersly on the mound with Henderson leading off and Canseco and McGwire batting three and four. The bash brothers swept across the nation along with probably the grass roots of the hand jive.

Look how skinny McGwire is then....

Look how skinny McGwire is then....

That forearm to forearm bump was dope. I am bringing it back. These guys were good. Being a native Los Angelonian the A’s are part of my favorite sports memory envolving an injured Kirk Gibson and an ace of a pitcher Dennis Eckersley. We don’t need to go down memory lane and relive Gibsons shot over right but it still gives me goose bumps today. (LA you need to sign MANNY) Back to the A’s.
Do you remember the division series against the Yankees where a very unathlectic Jeremy GIambi rounded third and a very athlectic A-Rod (even though I hate the Yankees) made a play that still blows my mind? Two reasons for this, how did A-Rod know that the throw was going to be there and why did Giambi not slide wide and tag home base with his hand? If GIambi had been running the bases head up and slid wide then there would have been no way for Posada to get that tag down and the A’s would have gone to the ship. Anyhow that was a great run and the A’s were clearly the best team. Look at who the A’s have traded leading up to and since then Giambi, Harden, Tejada, Swisher, Zito, Thomas, and to many others to remember. What did they do the following year. Yup they traded away all their players, and slowly sank to the bottom of the cellar.
Finally the Raiders. I think that Al Davis could be the worst thing that has ever happened to the city of Oakland. This guy has wasted so many draft pickes and gone through coaches faster than a kid goes through tighty whities while potty training. The Raiders are the most followed sports franchise in the country and they still suck. Al Davis is worried about one thing and one thing only. Number one, himself. It is a disgrace that they moved the club to Los Angeles. USC and UCLA football drew larger crowds than the Raiders. It was smart to move back to the Collesum but geeze Al Davis needs to go if that franchise ever wants a shot at winning another super bowl.
One last plea, owners of Oakland ball clubs, if you have a good team, keep it in tact, don’t trade your star players away. If it doesn’t work try again. When the Lakers lost in the finals did you see them go and trade Kobe away? NO. When the Dodgers lost in the division series did you see them go and not resign Manny? Well I guess we will just have to wait and see on that one.
Oakland my second favorite sports city, keep believing-

27
Jan
09

Brains or Bucks

Got up at four this morning, went to work, digitized my tapes, edited them, and then compressed. While the tapes compress it leaves me with about thirty minutes of nothing time for each edit I make. Today I had around seven edits, and compressed on multiple machines until the office filled up. For the most part I had about three hours of kick it time. I went through a series of questions in my head to pass the time.
Have I gone off my rocker? Who knows but it is a good way to pass time. Some of the questions consist of would I rather be able to fly or be invisible. The easy answer would fly. Would I rather have Kobe take a last second shot or Lebron, once again an easy answer Kobe. Would it be better to teleport or read minds? That’s a tough one, I am still debating that one, and finally the one that is the most interesting would you rather be super ridicusolly loaded or would you rather be crazy smart?
There are a couple of angles many people could take on this one. The first question to ask is, if I were loaded would I be as smart and the same as I am now? Lets go with yes for this answer. I think that it would be rad and a lot of fun. My life as it is now with crazy amounts of money. I would be able to buy Microsoft and hire Bill Gates full time to keep the company afloat while making billions and compounding my money. But if I had super smarts I could keep the company afloat myself.
When you think of super smart people what is the first thing you associate with? I know it is wrong but growing up all the smart kids in my class were a little anti social and kinda weird. They were super intelligent and I think to smart for their own maturity. Once those smart people do mature, its game over. They go on to build Microsoft, Facebook, YouTube, and the post-it. So with super smarts you would have to work for your money but that would be so much more rewarding.
Another rewarding thing that you could do with your brains is create stuff to save the planet like how to eliminate global warming, or find a way to have third world countries get fresh food and water for everyone, or have cars that don’t need electricity or gas. You could solve the nations financial troubles. On the other hand if you had massive amounts of money you could hire people to solve these problems for you and make the world a better place.
So for my conculsion I have come to the following fact. Are you you the type of person who likes to work for stuff or be given stuff. If your from the city I am guessing you like to work for stuff. If you are from Malibu I am guessing you like to be given stuff. I myself find that there is truly nothing more rewarding out there than busting your ass off and giving what ever it is your doing 100%. So this difficult question is easily answered with the fact that I would rather have a big brain as opposed to a big wallet.

Adieu-

26
Jan
09

Search me

Kaliphornya.com launched on January 21st 2009. In my quest and journey to be the top searched blog in the world, I decided to do a quick google search of their top searches for 2008 in the USA. The list surpringly did not surprise me because I contributed to many of these stats. The list is as follows
1. Obama
2. Facebook
3. Att
4. I phone
5. Youtube
6. Fox news
7. Palin
8. Bejing 2008
9. David Cook
10. surf the channel
He is my breakdown of the top ten and why they were picked.

Commander in chief

Commander in chief

Obama- plain and simple the presidential elections. Some would ask why not McCain? McCain was known as the govenor of Arizona so people had a general background and understanding of him going into the elections thus no major search. Before the election period did you know who Obama was? There is your answer.

Facebook- ranks as number 5 in the alexa rankings and was last years number one most visited page. It is a supertool that is making a couple of college dropouts loaded beyond belief. I am guess that older people searched facebook to get in and understand this hip new thing. What ever happened to the Apple IIE?

Att- Att has apple to thank for the number three ranking. Currently the only carrier that will sell and carry the I Phone while maitaing the warranty (sorry T mobile) is att. Thus with the launch of the I Phone II att moves into number three. Also helping the cause is there new televison service which offeres a DVR that can record up to nine shows at a time. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Time Warner.

I Phone- surpringly the I phone ranked behind ATT, I am guessing the sole reason for this was because people looked at it through apples web site or Att website, needless to say it was the must have tech product of the year. I am holding out for the I phone III.

Youtube- youtube is one of the greatest things ever invented. It can truly occupy a day if you are good and know what to search for within the site. My only question is wouldn’t it be easier to type in youtube.com in the search bar as opposed to googleing it then clicking on the find to get to youtube?

Fox News- I am going to go out on a limb here but in a previous blog I gtalked briefly about who controls the air waves when it comes to politics. Due to the lack of republican support on the televison with the exception of Fox, rightys travel to the web to hear what they want.

hmmmmm

hmmmmm

Palin- This one comes to me with no surprise at all. Some would ask why not McCain? McCain was known as the govenor of Arizona so people had a general backgfoun and understanding of him going into the elecetion. Who the fuck was Sara Palin. Pribably the biggest mistake in this election thus costing the GOP a much closer election. Come on though who knew that Africa was a continet? Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
Bejing 2008- The Olympics. Michael Phelps plain and simple dominated. It should have been called the Phelps games.

But I swear Im 21, and that is my ID.  Do you think they are allowed to see PG-13 movies?

But I swear I'm 21, and that is my ID. Do you think they are allowed to see PG-13 movies?

On second thought maybe it should have been called the junior Olympics, in honor of the Chinese gymnastic team? They should hang out with Obama and try to come up with some legit birth certificates.

David Cook- so this was the only one on the top ten that I had to look up and contribute to his numbers. I just found out that he was on American Idol. All I have to say is Seacrest is still a bitch…

Surf the Channel- this was another one that I had to look up. It streams all of your television shows, so if you don’t want to get raped by the cable companies and by HBO you can watch it on your cpu. Also check out Justin tv….

Google- a number that is 1 followed by 100 zeros. When I grow up I want to be a googlaire-

26
Jan
09

100-0

Last week two high school girls basketball teams squared off in Texas.  Covenant School was going up against Dallas Academy.  Dallas Academy has eight girls on their high school varsity team and that almost makes up half of the twenty girls who attend the school.  Dallas academy lost this game 100-0.

This score line brings up a very interesting debate.  Should the score be this lopsided?  At first glance you look at it and think man, what a bunch of jack Asses.  Come on one hundred nil?  Me being a very intense competitor looked at this slightly differently.  Yes the score was very one sided, but do you know the kind of effort it must have taken for those girls to hold the other team scoreless, or the fact that one team in a women’s basketball game scored one hundred points? This is a rare feat. 

The coach of the winning team refused to apologize about the game and ended up losing the job.  The schools website posted an apology stating “It is shameful and an embarrassment that this happened.  This clearly does not reflect a Christ like and honorable approach to competition.”  I look at this and say man; the person who wrote this must have always gotten picked last. 

Did Christ (if you believe in him) ever play basketball?  In my sixteen years at catholic school, not once did the Bible, religion books, or theology classes ever mention Christ playing hoops, or doing anything competitive for that matter.  He did however turn a basket of fish and bread into thousands of baskets of fish and bread, so maybe he could have turned zero baskets into many for Dallas Academy to make it a closer game.  Or maybe he turned Dallas Academy’s cooler of water into wine, so they were too drunk to even play thus the shutout and lopsided game.  Who knows?  (These are merely jokes and not intended to cause any hurt or disrespect to any religious or spiritual beliefs.  It is all done in good nature, and does not mean to criticize any beings religion.  It is for the sake of creativity.)

See Jesus did play basketball

See Jesus did play basketball

 

 

So here are the points why I look at this game and see nothing wrong with it.  When a team gets up by a certain amount of points they empty their benches.  When the benchwarmers get in, they have a chance to play, and in this game they got extended minutes.  This is their time to impress the coach to possibly get more PT as well as get comfortable in game time settings.  What were the girls supposed to do during this game?  Dribble the ball down the floor, not take a shot and wait for the shot clock to expire, hand the ball to the ref and then not play defense on the other end.  Shit the Lakers did that last year in the NBA finals and look what happened.  I still have nightmares over that.  How would that promote the integrity of the sport?  How would that make the loosing team feel?  I know if I was on the team with zero points I would feel pissed off that they were not trying.  That would be a bigger slap in the face then not scoring a single point. 

What had happened at this game was a very unique situation.  I was not there but I bet both teams were playing there hardest in a competitive fashion.  Is this not what we are supposed to do?  I guess I am all about taking the lesser of the two evils.  Scenario one, the good team does not try still blows out the other team, gives them some points, and does not score one hundred.  The bad team leaves humiliated because the other team did not try.  The good team didn’t get anything out of the game because they did not play hard and gave points away.  Scenario two is what happened.  The bad team leaves feeling embarrassed but knows they gave it their all and the other team played against them as hard as they could.  The good team played their hearts out against an easy team but did achieve some impressive accomplishments like scoring 100 points and even more impressive holding the other team scoreless. 

 

Everything is bigger in Texas-




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